Wake up, hot pad gone cold, whole body shaking, how am I going to do this, heart and mind sprinting the Indy 500, no pit crew, no finish line, no inhaler, shallow rapid breaths, tingling arms, dizzy don’t drive, sit down, crawl, nauseous can’t eat, reheat the hot pad, I can’t break, it’s not an option, I have to work, take care of my kid, there is no back up, no one to hold me while I cry out the feelings, there never was, tell my kid I have allergies, finally tell him the truth, hold him through it, no energy, take the pills, they’ll work in a few weeks, call the doctor, walk 7 times a day, reheat the hot pad, that kid in the store won’t stop screaming, heart rate increasing, breath fast and shallow again, plug ears to avoid a panic attack, choose between emergency meds and sleep or sit on the floor breathing slow and deep, try to self regulate, reheat the hot pad, fall asleep applying for a lease, fall asleep setting up utilities, escape to work, but cry in the bathroom, cry when I take apart my drum kit I’ve been too stressed to play the past year, sleep on the floor until I get a mattress, new bed, new couch, live on Hot Pockets, caffeine and candy for a year, gain back every pound I lost, get better, feel the magic, feel the sparkle, celebrate, give too much, spiral out again, discarded, reheat the hot pad, can’t escape the nothing at work this time, but the bathroom is still open for crying, write, write, write, battle the brain with music, it’s happening again, can’t find the right music, let the tears splash on my feet, hope my son doesn’t hear, can’t cry sometimes, let the silent tears roll in public, become that lady crying in the lunch meat aisle, set up therapy, reheat the hot pad, attempt to self regulate hand to neck and clavicle, move, sing, hum, repeatedly interrupt the rumination, put me first, what am I going to do for me, I’ll never be the same, that’s a good thing, must make changes, the salad is soup again, heat another Hot Pocket, reheat the hot pad, take more pills to sleep, side effects, cough until I gag, tremors all day, no more smooth drawing for me, reheat the hot pad, sleep with the laptop charging, playing gentle rain and piano sounds, reheat the hot pad, reheat the hot pad, reheat the hot pad. I got me. I can do anything.
-Melissa Donley